It's like God shit irony all over that family
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
In other news, I just burned my penis
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
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