Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
