I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
