You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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