whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
Randomize
