I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Randomize
