i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
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Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
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I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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