Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
