Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Randomize
