I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
