Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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