apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
