when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
