Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
