Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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