My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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