He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
Randomize
