did you get engaged???
sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.