Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
Randomize
