Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
fuck your aforementioned shoe
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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