proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
