Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Randomize
