She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
