My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Randomize
