Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?