Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
