My friends, they love my intelligence
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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