u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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