I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
