I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
