i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
