i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
The beer is more important than you right now.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
