he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Randomize
