her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
