Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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