Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
