Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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