I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
