I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
The air taste purple.
Randomize
