I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
