I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
What drink are we having for lunch?
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Randomize
