I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
