she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
