dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
not sure what stings more, my ass or my pride...
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
