they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Dear god my vagina.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
