You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Randomize
