oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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