i just wanna soil my oats bro
I faked an abortion last night.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
