after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
