why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
