just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
