Umm I'm too high to move.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
