I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
