Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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