Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
