Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
